Bad Connection

How can you create anything without some good connections? This sentence has a dual meaning. And I mean it. Creation cannot be done alone. Neither can it be part of the greater creation of things without some connections to others and/or greater ’powers’. So how am I doing with my connections? Not very well. I am in my dooms, feeling very separate from any sorts (sources) of connections. I don’t feel connected to other human beings, neither do I feel connected to the Source or myself. It is not a very nice feeling. It is feeling very lonely and lost without a cause. And I don’t get it. I don’t know what has chance since last time I checked. There was a time when I felt some strong connection, when I felt I belonged to both a bunch of people who inspired me to create and I felt connected to a source of energy moved me to inspiration to create. I don’t seem to have any of it any more. Sad, sad, sad. And I don’t even know what happened between now and then. Somehow life became busy and went sort of astray. Things that used to matter to me and inspired me disappeared from my life leaving me empty and de-inspired. It feels as if at some point I just moved out of connection, ran away to some deserted land, where no roads lead. Why did I do that? It is so painful that I can hardy bear it. Nobody can, we are too much of social-animals to be able to stay disconnected for long. It feels little mad, because thoughts float like endless clouds on a clear sky blocking the view. Without the others’ feedback creating don’t stand much of a chance because it is created in separation, not as a part of something greater. Recently I realized that I don’t do much with my art and music because I don’t have an audience, I have ‘nobody’ to share it with, to create with. Ok, part of the reason. There are others too. But my connections or rather disconnection to the world around me including myself and the Source defines quite a bit whether I create or not. Recently I have been looking for my passion. I realized that passion is related to others (including myself). We are never passionate just out of being passionate. We are passionate about something or somebody – there needs to be a subject of our passion (including ourselves). I have no passion for anything, this time, neither for myself. Nothing pulls me, draws me closer. I stand alone, slightly lost in space, pending. I am looking for my passion and so my connection back to Life in a sense. And creativity is rather a tool than a cause or a result for me. Creativity and passion interlinked inside of me. The one cannot exist without the other. … That is where I am at. I will make an effort to discover the above … will see how I can create some passion and creativity for myself and put them into some lovely forms.

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